What's Your Outlook On Life???...

"Under The Boardwalk" By The Drifters

Oh when the sun beats down and burns the tar up on the roof
And your shoes get so hot you wish your tired feet were fire-proof
Under the boardwalk, down by the sea, yeah
On a blanket with my baby is where I'll be...

(Under the boardwalk) out of the sun
(Under the boardwalk) we'll be havin' some fun
(Under the boardwalk) people walking above
(Under the boardwalk) we'll be *making love*
Under the board-walk, board-walk! ...

Intro: In case you haven't noticed, I have a reoccurring beach or water theme going on in my blog. In some kind of way, I feel connected to water. I'm not about to go off into some deep explanation, because it's not that serious. But what I will say is that I've never lived in a landlocked state, and that the water scenes somehow relax me and allow me to meditate on deep matters. So, today's blog picture of a boardwalk viewfinder is so fitting. It reminds me of the piers around the Virginia Beach,VA, Norfolk, VA, and Northeastern North Carolina areas when I was a kid.

Getting The Picture: The above picture speaks to me in a way that lets me know that my life is getting further and further away from the things that I want and desire. I'm getting swept away. I'm being taken away with the tide. I rarely reveal many specific things about myself on my blog on purpose, however, I felt like I could share this part of myself with you in a vague way. Well, isn't that special? *lol* But getting back to my earlier thought, I feel like my job and the pressure that it mounts on me is taking me into a direction that I don't want to go towards. It's not bad or evil. I just don't prefer it. Let me explain.

Previous Assumptions: When I first started working for Uncle Leroy's gubment agency some years ago, I felt like I wanted to come out here and save the world after finishing college. I had lofty goals and felt like nothing could stop me. But, friends, there's a price to pay for success. Things are never what they seem to be. I use to think that all I had to do was work hard and treat everybody well, and things would all work out just fine. I wish. The last so many years has just been an unending struggle involving mounting work, complicated assignments, backstabbing co-workers, minimal advancement, etc. And the job is requiring more sacrifice from me. The more involved I become with my work, I feel like my job is like a wave or tide about to take me away from everything that I've ever wanted. The folks at my job want my time, energy, thoughts, dreams, desires, and goals. Simply put, I can't give them all of that. The best parts of me belong to me. Besides, I work this job to pay my bills, but it is not fulfilling my purpose in life at all. I thought that I could handle things the way they were/are. I know that I'm thankful for my job and know that I happen to work with some hardworking and intelligent people I admire despite the other folks. Buying new things like cars, clothes, and property are nice, but once again I had to ask the question, "Was I fulfilling my purpose?" Umm, no.

The Life And Times Of A Workhorse: It doesn't help that I work in a very competitive work atmosphere where all of us geek/nerd analysts are striving hard to get the hot projects and hold on to the ones that we have. I thought hardwork would bring on the promotions, but that didn't happen for me. For years, I huddled over my cluttered desk surrounded by my trusty dictionary, thesaurus, and English books as I drafted policy materials, reports, and letters. It's like school all over again. But this time around the grade letter "A" doesn't always go to the workhorses like me. Other less competent people seem to rise to the top. They confer with me to get background information before they stroll down the hall to attend a meeting with the big dogs. It reminds me of the cheaters from the old school days. They don't bother to study, but they don't have any shame in craning their necks over your shoulder to look at the answers. I'm totally baffled why they are continually rewarded for their mediocrity. But perhaps, I really just don't belong here.

Realizations: A few years ago, I came to terms with the fact that I'm not really making a direct impact on the people I thought I would be helping. My job does more indirect things in such a way that I am unable to determine whether there is any impact for the greater good. There I go again with the vagueness, but I have to for good reason. However, as I tread the choppy and shark-filled waters of my office, I have a strong feeling that I belong in the Education field. Specifically, I want to be an educational researcher. *lol* Okay, I didn't razzle and dazzle you all with my dreams, but it's a geek's paradise. I don't want to do research for the sake of doing it. I want to ultimately help disadvantaged kids get the kind of education that will help them to compete in today's world. In order to make it, kids are going to have know how to articulate themselves and to solve complex equations so that they can take on the world more on their terms instead of having orders barked out to them. Oops. Was I talking about me? But what I mean is that I want the next generation to have more opportunities. The whole career transition thingy is really a pain. I just hope that I didn't find out these factoids too late to make a difference. But I'm taking steps to redirect my path in the way that I intended it to go. I'll keep you all posted on what's happening once there are some firm developments.

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Update: Blog friends, thank you so much for the advice that you all offered me concerning my disgruntled and jealous co-worker. My family and friends totally agree with you all. But it's too bad that I haven't been able to make time in my busy day to put my co-worker in her place. My new detail position has me so busy. I even have meetings during lunch, which I hate but grin through. My co-worker is still making catty comments. Apparently, she can't help herself. But I think it was mean of her to get smart with me when I simply asked her how our other co-worker, who was in the hospital last week, was doing. She proceeded to bite my head off and tell me that I know more than she does and that folks don't tell her anything. During mid-performance (yes, she was about to go into overdrive), I got up from my desk and walked away, leaving her smacking her jaws in the aisle by herself. Lord, please provide me the strength to behave in the right way and administer the right amount of firmness with that woman. My co-worker just won't be happy until someone tells her off. But I just hope that things won't come to that. :-}