So Why Aren't You Married???...

This Single Woman's Perspective...

Are you married? So, why aren't you married? Those sound like innocent enough questions, right? Well, it depends on who is asking the questions and why. The older a single, never married woman gets, she's constantly peppered with these questions. When friends and relatives reconnect, that's usually the first thing they ask. And when you say no, there's an uncomfortable pause before they try to recover from showing their disappointment. You can try to reassure them all you to that you're doing just fine by doing well at work, buying a new home, making a commitment to eating right and exercising, starting grad school, etc. But they're not too interested in that stuff at all, because in their world you have not achieved much until you become a wife and mother.

When my family and friends ask these questions, for the most part, I know that they have my best interest at heart. We've evolved enough to be able to discuss this subject without arguing anymore. Instead, we try to articulate what's actually on our minds minus the smart remarks. They tell me that they don't want me to grow old alone. They don't want me facing and having to fight the world alone. And they don't want me to miss out on the experience of becoming a mother. They've shared with me how happy their kids make them and that they want me to be happy in that same way. I can accept these statements as a form of constructive criticism and well-meaning advice.

Early on from about the time I was about 20, I was told by older female relatives that my friendships with my friends would change once one of us got married. The change didn't necesssarily have to be good or bad, but things would change. And true enough, it has happened. I just accept it as a part of life. After my friends got married, I pulled back a bit to let their new family structure flourish. I try to show respect to my friends' husbands and kids, since many times my friends are busy trying to fix dinner, help the kids do homework, put the baby to bed, and spend time with their husbands. I know that they have these new responsiblities. So I don't take it personally when they don't call or hangout as much. We're cool like that.

And no matter what's going on in my dating life, I always feel like I can cheer for my married friends. I enjoy hearing about their milestones, anniversaries, and relationship growth. However, I feel like their married status has no bearing on my single status so I never have to feel jealous of them. I love these folks. Our situations are separate and distinct. I believe that their husbands came along in their lives for a specific purpose. It's nothing more than us taking our own separate journeys. I respect the marriages of my friends and I respect the institution of marriage period.

It's harder to gauge the comments of other people when I don't know where they are coming from. I don't know their experiences, perspectives, and motives. So, if it's a stranger or a person I don't know too well, I have to let it slide to a certain degree. I've got to be fair enough to give them the benefit of doubt. We could just be misunderstanding each other. But things especially sting the most when its flying out of the mouth of someone I actually know or thought I knew. Sometimes you think you're close friends with someone until they show you their true selves.

I Thought We Knew Each Other Or At Least Cared...

A co-worker/friend caught me offguard once when she implied to me that she was better than I was and in a sense on a higher level and rank of womanhood, because she was married with children. In essence, she was trying to put me in my place. And of course following this enlightening statement, she followed up with how miserable and bitter we single women are. Hmm. I never told her that I couldn't find a man or that all men were dogs. I've never said anything like that. In her infinite wisdom, she deduced that something is inherently wrong with single women and that's why we are single. You know the line. She was saying that we are too rebellious, too independent, too bossy, not willing to cook, too talkative, not soft enough, too academically inclined, too career-driven, not willing to take a back seat, too aggressive, too assertive (not the same thing as aggressive), not willing to be submissive, overbearing, trying to emasculate the man, sexually loose, not giving into natural feminine tendencies, selfish, hateful, and all and all failures in life for not becoming wives and mothers. All of this is nothing more than horsecrap. And if we ever thought about having dating standards, compatibility criteria, and preferences, she would criticize this as if "some" men never rattled out a laundry list of their shallow requirements. You know like the ones where a guy (only some and surely not all) would declare that he would never date a black woman or a dark woman or a woman with kinky hair or a pleasantly plump woman, without giving any thought to any characteristics outside of her physical features.

Then she goes onto say why she has a man and why the rest of us don't. According to her, we are going against nature, wasting our reproductive organs, and living unfulfilled lives. Yeah, she said a mouthful. Where is the cliff so that we single women can jump off? Not! What the? I had to let her know it's a matter of choice. It's as simple as that. Many of us could get married, but have chosen not to for various reasons. I vowed to myself that I would never marry unless I really could commit to it. I'm no good at putting on fronts and facades. To me, taking marriage vows is a serious matter.

The pieces of the puzzle started to come together. In previous conversations, she would tell me how much her husband loved her. And not in a general way. She'd talk about their "intimate" moments and freely say maybe you'll have that in your life one day with a smug tone in her voice. She'd say something to the effect of, "While I sleep in the comfort of my husband, the rest of you will be lonely crying at night." Or she'd talk about the house they live in and the cars they drive and then say hopefully you'll be as "lucky" to get this type of life. If I wanted to be really petty, I could have said a host of nasty things about the way she got married or rather the way she forced him to marry her or how she tried to make out some kind of immaculate conception theory in her own case. But what's the use in stooping low to someone else's level? It's not worth it. I didn't bother fussing with her; our friendship has whittled down to much of nothing. Some folks won't change. I've learned more about marriage from my own family who've been married for 40 years +. So what advice could my so-called friend have to impart to me? You guessed it. Nothing. I just can't believe she came off on me like that. I'm not in competition with my friends. I just hope if I get married that I won't treat single folks the way I've been treated. For the most part, my married friends have treated my great. But still there are always the others.

This single woman's perspective is that people are individuals. All men don't act the same way. And all women don't either. I just don't see the point in a theory that claims single women are becoming bitter by pandemic proportions. Maybe other people think there is a surge in bitter women, because of the people they come into contact with or something. I don't hear the bitter talk as much. Maybe it's because my friends are married or actively dating. Furthermore, how could single women be so bitter if the birth rate among them isn't decreasing? In fact, the rate is increasing. Somebody is doing some loving somewhere whether it be physical, emotional or otherwise. Yeah, it's more complex than that.

I just think we should spend more time examining why an impasse exists between black men and black women rather than hiding behind labeling a whole, big, diverse group of black women as bitter. I've heard men speak of how they felt when their fathers walked out on their families and how they feel about struggling to understand what it is to be a man, father, and husband. I don't call those men bitter; I see them coping with the situation they were dealt in life. Providing dating tips to people who are dealing with some real issues amounts nothing more than putting a band-aid on a gaping wound. Can we get beyond the surface to find out what's really happening? If some women are saying there aren't any men, can we investigate where they are? For example, perhaps we can direct the sisters who say they like intellectual men to those guys who hang out at the book store, library, university, museums, etc. Sometimes, it amounts to going where they are. Can we at least investigate what the experiences have been for the women who say this? Have they been molested or abandoned very early on as kids by the men in their family? Or is it that they had expectations that differed from the men? Is it truth or not that a significant number of our men are in jail on real or falsely trumped up charges? In order to deal with the incarceration issue, what can we do as a community to keep our men from the clutches of criminal life? Are we providing them with enough access to academic resources, mentoring, and good old fashioned child rearing to help them to become successful adults, husbands, and fathers. Are we really helping girls and women to lift their self-esteem? See where I'm going with this? If not, what I'm trying to say is that the problems of black men and black women are interdepenent. When one or the other suffers, we all suffer.

Also, as women, why do we have to be so mean to each other? Is this supposed to be tough love? Is it love at all? I just can't understand why we can't have compassion for our fellow sisters, especially those who are dealing with really deep issues. Nevertheless, I want people to know there are happy single black women out here. When I wake up in the morning, I feel good knowing that I'm satisfied with the decisions I've made in my life. I'm not hurting anyone and I take pride in trying to live an uplifting life. I just know that God will send the right man in His given time. I just hope I'll be ready. If marriage doesn't happen for me, I will have to learn that everything is not meant to be. With that said, I am at peace with my current station in life.

It's okay if no one agrees with me.